I have needs.

Many are the normal kind. The need to be told I'm funny. The need for people to leave me alone. Conversely, the need for people to quit ignoring me. The need to not be the only one maintaining a friendship. The need to take a hot bath daily. The need to clean my room. The need to feng shui my apartment like now. The need to know. The need to know more than the need-to-know.

But most prominent among my many, super normal needs are my communication needs. I have them. Lots of them. They may not be rational, but they are there. And a real thing. Respect. Or just accept. That's fine too.

On the whole, it's a fair statement to say that rarely are my communication needs met in their entirety. I won't say never, because I don't agree with the word never on principle. I feel it might be helpful to be able to send prospective communication partners a quick link to my needs, and then they can assess from there whether they're ready to "make the plunge." Ergo:

The Most Basic Communication Protocol Ever Written That Should Be Respected and Adhered to by All Who Wish to Be Friends or More-Than-Friends With Me and Probably the Rest of the World In General for Ease And Consistency.

Texting.

1. Texts telling me we "need to talk soon" will forever be stressful. Also, if you start a textfrontation and then say "doing this in text is silly," that is dumb.
2. I promise I never mean to be mean in texts. Just expressive! Promise. I have a lot of feelings (that I do my best to express in person so hopefully this is a non-issue).
   
3. If you are going to send me a "K" response, just don't respond.
4. Respond to all texts that merit response with something that is not "K", and is preferably at least minimally amusing. Please note: all of my texts merit response. I can't help it that I'm full of important, response-worthy shit to say.
   
5. Do not get weird about me double-texting you. It happens, especially when I think of the hilarious thing I forgot to say.
6. It's okay to double-text me.
7. Please no "Are you home?" texts. It feels like a trap. Every time.
   
8. Adorable, cute, sexy, and beautiful are welcomed and encouraged in any text.
9. "Not tonight, sorry" is not.

Phone calls.

1. I don't like 'em. Notable exceptions: when I initiate them (or at least anticipate them)* or when they are from foreign lands. *I reserve the right to quit liking at any time.
2. Sometimes, you might think my phone does certain things... that it might not do. For example, answering calls, receiving calls, and delivering voicemails are all things that my phone may opt out of by and by. It's out of my control.
   

Facebook Messages.

1. If you text me something, sending me a Facebook message later saying the exact same thing is strange. Very much so.

Face-to-Face Communication.

1. THE BEST. Every time. We can do that pretty much anytime you want. But please be good at not talking about yourself the whole time. And please be a good listener. I will never love you (friend or more-than-friend) if you can't listen.

Things I Love.

1. I want everyone to love the things I love. This includes people, awesome Youtube vids, activities, music, animals, etc. You must love and reference them often.
   

Chatty Things.

1. Gchat - there are only a few people I care to chat with on Gchat (read: one). If you are not them, sawreeee. Maybe let's not Gchat (unless, of course, I initiate!)
   
2. FBchat - there are several of you. You know who you are.
   
3. Skype - I usually don't realize I'm signed in on my phone. And also, I only have 4 contacts. Skype is not a major contender in my realm of communications.

Other Notes.

1. Sagittarius = big on communication. Communication is what some might call "a thing" for me. I think about it a lot. Spare me some angst and adhere to protocol.

Also, I put some iris seeds in the veggie crisper drawer of the fridge sometime last month. More on that later.